I always get a little more contemplative when I'm drunk. And a little more sappy, a little more reflective, a little more existential, a little less coherent. I spent over an hour at dinner tonight - chowing down on an amazing arugula and pine nut salad, a yummy eggplant penne pasta with fresh tomato sauce, lovely cheese-filled garlic bread, and chocolate ice cream profiteroles with cinnamon-covered walnuts. Oh, and I had a glass of wine. (Of course.) I'm telling you, this meal was incredible and I enjoyed every bite. My palate was delighted. I also spent that hour plus pondering my life as I know it.
I was thinking: Will I ever have everything I want in life? I mean, there are things...things that I want for myself...things that may never happen in this lifetime of mine. I don't know if I'm content with that. Am I? Can I really have everything that I really want? Is that even possible? How can I travel the world while dancing for a living and being fluent in French and raising a family and acting in a successful (world-famous?) Broadway show and writing an award-winning (life-changing?) memoir AND have all the people I love and who make a difference in my life gathered in the same city? This, I tell you, THIS cannot physically happen. This will not work. And for God's sake, I don't even know if I'm GOOD at any of these things! I haven't even TRIED half of the shit that I want! How can I even want it if I don't know what it's like or if I can do it? (Sigh.) I guess I'm a dreamer in all senses of the word. But don't miracles happen for dreamers like me? (I don't even think a miracle could take care of my "life wish list.") Dang, I wish I was more of a risk-taker. ARGH! Do you ever get so frustrated with yourself that you want to explode?!
I do!
No comments:
Post a Comment