New Hobby

Jason did a Zumba-thon last night. He also wore pink in honor of breast cancer awareness month. He's a man of the future.

Ready for Bed

"Okay honey, I'm think I'm gonna fall asleep to House Hunters now. Good night."

-- Jason on the phone tonight.

Unfortunate.

It was my 1/2 birthday yesterday. No one remembered.

The Poison of Perfectionism

I just found this article about perfectionism. It's me to a tee and it's given me a lot of insight on the difficulties of being a person who values precision (to a fault). Sometimes, I'm more concerned about the details than the bigger picture and this can seriously hinder my progress in life and love and work.

In other news, one of my girlfriends from college visited me today and I took the entire day off of work to show her my version of Seattle. We had a wonderful day. We talked nonstop from 9:30am this morning to 10:30pm tonight. My mind is reeling, but happy. I feel content and supported. Sometimes, God or the Universe knows exactly what you need when you need it. And then things just happen! We spent a lot of the day catching up on the past 5 years since college and dissecting our lives. We ate at a French bakery for breakfast, a "Washington, DC" themed pub for lunch, and an Indian restaurant for dinner. We snapped pictures, shared laughs, and enjoyed salted caramel lattes. Overall, it was a mighty delicious day.

Full Moon

Sometimes, I just have to tell my mind: "SHUT UP!"

My thoughts turn into obsessive thoughts which turn into fears and those fears run away with any kind of logical brain functioning I may have.

This year has been one of those "SHUT UP" years. Ironically, it's also the year I'm learning about love. Yep, that's right. January 1st, I decided on 2010 as the Year of Love, sure that I needed to work through my deep complexes of independence and mistrust. Well, it seems that I'm still working on that. In fact, I think I could rename my lifetime in honor of love. One year doesn't seem like enough time!

So...instead of thinking about living, I'm just going to live. Okay?

But that might mean I make some mistakes. Perhaps 2011 can be the Year of Mistakes?

	“Contemplation often makes life miserable. We should act more, think less, and stop watching ourselves live.” ― Chamfort

Friends for Dinner

I almost mean that literally.

Tonight, I had my old roommates over for dinner and I was so excited to see them that I just about ate them up. Lately, I have been so hungry for old, familiar, comfortable things that I was practically salivating at the thought of seeing them again.

And they didn't let me down. They showed up on time and smiling, and I thoroughly enjoyed their company. What a lovely night.

I feel really happy right now. I love when friends are the remedy.

Catch Me

When I allow myself to search the depths of my heart and linger on some of the sadness that lies there, this is what I find:

"Things are different. Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I think about all the things that haven't happened yet. Leaving my family for the city, graduating college, moving to Seattle, searching for new friends, entering a new relationship, marrying off my brother. Instead, I sit in a time where things are familiar. My heart refuses to accept the reality of my life now; it still yearns for the comfort of my childhood home, the ease of no responsibility, the simplicity of first love, the stability of obeying parental orders. As an adult, I supposedly have more freedom, but I'm still trapped in a place to which I can't return, trapped in a fantasy of time gone by.

I'm not sure at what point time seemed to stop for me or when I started dipping my metal present into the gold lacquer of the past just to see it glitter again, but I do know that the present is laced with my memories -- some thick and intricate, others only fleeting as though a few curls of smoke have gotten tangled in my hair. I also know this: I am afraid to move forward in my life due to unforeseen consequences of past decisions. Did I want to move to Seattle? Yeah, sure. But the outcome of a making a decision that seemed to take only a few minutes has been far reaching and brutally affecting. Did I think I'd stay here beyond grad school? No way. And further, I didn't think I'd meet someone. Is he more important than my family? Sometimes. Do I want to move back to Green Bay? No. Yes. Maybe. Do I miss my family? Terribly. I miss them more than I ever thought possible. I miss them as though the blood is missing from my veins -- as if I no longer have life pumping through me without them. I miss them because I can't dull the loneliness or fill the hold that their absence creates. I pretend to be fine, and many times, that is enough to get me through my days which quickly become my life. But when the feeling of their distance creeps up on me, there is no telling when the pain will subside."

Pictures We Send to Each Other at Work